Come Out of Your Shell

If there's one thing I hope to convey in these posts, it's that trying to avoid nuance is problematic. People tend to think that identifying aspects on a topic leads to overcomplication and overthinking. I think this points to a larger problem of people's ineptitude for appreciating depth, but that's a different topic. I am going to try to break down the categorical understanding of social behavior that we all seem to subscribe to.

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Despite us all living very complex and multifaceted lives, we still think it's fair to place people in to one of two boxes when it comes to their social-behavioral identity. I've heard the difference be identified by whether or not you are energized by the company of others. If you can slowly feel your social battery running out, then you're an introvert, if not, you're an extrovert. Instead of picturing Introverts in one bucket and extroverts in another, think of it as a spectrum. At the end of the extrovert side, is people that can not withstand a second of solitude and must constantly rely on others for energy, validation, etc. Extreme introverts would be those who fear the company of others and prefer to spend all their time alone.

Under these conditions, I would personally assume people follow a normal distribution across this spectrum. I have a hard time believing that anyone could classify themselves as being strictly to one side or the other. We've all been in situations, where we've been able to attain group flow state with those around us. But then there are also times when we prefer to stay in our rooms all day. Depending on the activities you're used to, you may be able to tap into these two states with varying difficulty. Point is, I feel like your lifestyle can greatly shape where you fall on this social spectrum.

For me, one of my ultimate goals is to really enjoy the company of my own thoughts. If you can form a sustainable and healthy internal paradigm, you will crave your own company. But that doesn't mean that we should all strive to be "introverts" who constantly shelter ourselves with isolation. In fact, I believe many mental disorders can only form in isolation. If you spend all day alone, and partake in paradigm-damaging thoughts and activities, your life will become miserable fast. Take social media addiction for example. Suppose you become addicted to Instagram. You'll probably stop tending to personal relationships, and end up alone, where you're free to compare your consequently dull life to the IG worthy highlights of others. This goes to show that lifestyle choices have the power to shift where we lie on the social spectrum.

Everyone fluctuates to varying degrees, but I think there is an inherent volatility in the way we all view social interaction. Remember your socially awkward middle school years? Even though you might call yourself an 'extrovert' your social battery life was definitely diminished during these years. Whether or not you feel drained by socialization, depends on the social factors that are at play. Though these social factors lead us to being placed somewhere on the spectrum, I think it's important to consider if there is an ideal position on it that we should pursue.

My belief is that it's less about position, and more about fluidity. If you're not able to correctly identify the ideal circumstantial position on the spectrum, and then match it, you lose. We all have a natural range, but value is value and it lies at all points on the spectrum. If your range is too narrow, you're missing out.

If you are too shy to connect with people outside of your inner circle, you miss out on an endless upside of experiences and resources found in others. We all are facing our own problems, and if you are too busy preserving your imagined sense of self for others, you're living a life that is detached from reality. Think about how much time you spend thinking about the shortcomings and flaws of others. It's not a lot (hopefully). But yet in our heads we fool ourselves by thinking that others are going to care about the meaningless inadequacies that we try so desperately to shelter. No one cares. The more I examine the introverted tendencies I have, the more similarities I find between introversion and narcissism. That's right, being shy makes you a douchebag. If you refuse to act because of what people might think, you're assuming that people care about you more than they really do.

Though the desire to please others sometimes prevents us from acting in our own best interest, this doesn't mean introverts don't do anything. I would probably venture to say that introverted people typically get more done. It's just that they're too afraid to stick their neck out. Success is directly linked with your ability to fail publicly. The people who live their whole lives in their comfort zone rarely accomplish anything of note. This is the big problem I'm trying to get at.

Think of a highly successful person that hasn't had to deal with some sort of meaningful deterrence. I'd have to imagine nearly every famous rapper was told that they were an idiot when they first started. They probably released embarrassingly shitty music, and people told them so. Only the strong enough willed stick it out long enough to actually reach the levels we see "successful" people at. We all deal with doubt and deterrence at different degrees, but if you spend more time thinking and less time growing, you won't get very far.

If this hasn't made sense yet, this classic example might aid your understanding. Let's just say I was blessed with an angelic singing voice. Imagine I spend a lot of time building my skills, and making my music as perfect as possible. Perhaps I like the process of making music, but I don't want to produce any of my songs because I'm nervous that people might not like them. There's nothing wrong with this if I find it intrinsically fulfilling, but if you want to reach a level of success you have to grow, and there is no growth to be found in your comfort zone. If I prefer to spend time in my shell, I must embrace the uncomfortable aspects of extroversion in order to attain success.

Personally, I feel like I fall more in line with the scenario above, but many people are quite the opposite. There is a real problem with people who spend all their time occupied with others, and rarely take advantage of moments of pure isolation. There is magic in the seemingly mundane moments you spend with yourself. I believe one of the highest output decisions someone can make is to approach isolation actively instead of passively.

"We all claim to want peace of mind, but what we really want is peace from mind." If you have some down time, and you take the passive approach, you will search for things that can take you away from your thoughts. I believe that everyone's default setting is anxious and stressed. This is because this setting gave us the best chance of survival under circumstances that we are no longer under. The reality is, stressing out used to keep us alive, and now it just keeps us in a shell. If you want to get out of that shell, you have to approach isolation actively. If you're alone and you're constantly looking to distract yourself from your own mind, you are being passive, and running from your thoughts. Instead, approach your alone time as an opportunity to identify the thoughts you're running from and work through them. This is challenging at first, but eventually you will yearn for these kinds of moments.

I've gone on a lot of tangents in this post because there are a lot of adjacent topics that I want to cover on this. I will tag these related posts when/if I make them.

Pretty much, I'm having a difficult time succinctly explaining the point of this post. So I'm going to attempt to wrap this up in the shortest and most clear way I can: another analogy. Picture yourself as a turtle. You can only survive if you eat enough food and don't get eaten. If you're always hiding away in your shell, you're an introvert, and you won't be able to find enough food. But you have a shell for a reason, and if all you do is run around looking for food and talk to the other turtles, you're an extrovert and extroverts get eaten. If you want to maximize your turtle experience, you have to find comfort in and out of your shell. The most successful people in the world have the acuity and willingness to be fluid on this behavioral spectrum.

"You're born weak and you die weak.... What you do in between is up to you"

"He who is not courageous enough to take risks in life will accomplish nothing"