Should Men Be Feminine?

For the most part, I feel like people want to fit in. Conformity is a major player in many people's moral hierarchies. However, throughout history, there has always been a meaningful sect of people who identify with each other by sharing the desire to differentiate themselves from the norm. There is a tendency for people to want to break free from some mold that has become overly cliche, or too common in the world around them. Depending on the era, this "counterculture" could assume a variety of forms.

I think it would be appropriate to characterize each counterculture era by identifying which norm they were trying to get away from. Hippies thought war was too normalized, rock fans got tired of typical music genres, and Crossfitters are an example of a "flavor of the day" in fitness. Regardless of whether or not these movements bring meaningful change, they do reveal something fundamental about the human spirit. We are all inherently progressive, and in order to move forward as a species we must first break free from whatever we previously believed to be our ideal culture.

Hippies are probably the most identifiable example of what I'm talking about here, but we must realize that it is very normal for all of us to want to rebel from what our parents tell us, or from what 'everyone else is doing.' This can be expressed in micro-behavioral ways too. There are countless forces influencing us at all times, and it would be fairly difficult to try and identify them concisely. So for now, I will offer an interesting example that has been fairly prevalent in my life.

All around me, I see the gap between masculine and feminine starting to close. The two forces aren't meeting in the middle either, it seems that men are, for the most part, crossing the mean line, and becoming more feminine. Now, obviously there is a spectrum that we all naturally fall on. Some men are intrinsically more feminine than others and I'm not going to contemplate the ethical basis of people's nature. I believe that we should all work to understand and align ourselves with what genes we possess, whatever they may be.

But ignoring socialized factors and introspecting through a purely objective lens is nearly impossible. How are we supposed to know how much of us is comprised of nature vs. nurture? I suspect that if there was a magic wand that showed us precisely how much of our personality was each part, it would be comprised mostly of socialized factors.

I'm not a a scientist, but I do have credibility here. I have another physical copy of my genetics out there for me to observe: my identical twin brother. In most ways, we are pretty similar. But, one thing that separated us for a while, was where we operated on the masculine-feminine spectrum. I have always been open and unapologetic in my interest for softer music, nicer clothes, and general aesthetics. Nothing too over the top, but I would definitely say that some of my interests weren't exactly natural to who I really was. Maybe I was trying to show girls how sensitive I was, or maybe I was being impacted by the same force that many people are, the desire to be different. I was trying to signal to others that I was somehow different than what my nature suggested. But I was more just trying to prove a point to myself, that my brother and I were our own individuals.

Now, most people aren't able to draw this comparison because they can't factor out the natural variable, like I can with my brother. But I have discovered that I'm actually more interested in the meathead, testosterone-fueled pursuits that I was trying so hard to avoid before. I still find joy in the artistic aspects of life, but I didn't embrace the full scope of my biology until I distanced myself from my brother. I believe that my interests are now grounded more firmly in what my biology as a man suggests. This may not be the case for everybody else.

I think a lot of men do this same thing, our culture has told men that it's less favorable to be tough and masculine. There is a saying going around that says something along the lines of "tough times create strong men, strong men create easy times, easy times create weak men, and weak men create tough times." We are at the point in the cycle where most men think it's favorable to be soft. And it's hard to blame them when we have so much comfort and ease in our everyday lives. In order to better the world we need tough people, plain and simple. We are not going to get this by sweeping our biology under the rug and only embracing the feminine because being masculine is toxic or cliche.

The main criticism of the above quote is those who say that it leaves out women. They would be right, it does say 'men' and not 'people'. But if you identify as a woman, it's probably because your biology isn't conducive to being as masculine as the average man. Throughout history, the actions of masculine figures have been predominately predictive of relative levels of violence in the world. If there weren't a lot of tough men, civilizations would crumble to foreign threats, or from weaknesses within. Though there are obvious exceptions, I argue that men are intrinsically protective and more overtly violent, and women's genes lend themselves to the nourishment and production of the world at large. Gender roles are not always necessary, but they generally align biology with function, which I am in favor of.

Ohhhh so you're saying women need men to protect them?? No I'm saying that without women, and the children they produce, men wouldn't have anything meaningful to protect, and without their nourishment, they wouldn't have the vitality to carry out their most innate tasks properly. The protective masculine is fueled by the feminine, you need both. We've needed this dichotomy since the beginning of human ancestry.

That is precisely why it's troubling for me to see society losing its polarity. If we don't have enough of the masculine, I fear that we will inevitably fall on hard times. So basically what I'm saying is, no matter what gender you are, if you're feminine you should not hide it. But if you're masculine you should unapologetically embrace it as well. Because we are at the point of the cycle where we need it most. Not to sound like a fatalist, but I see the world we live in as over nourished and under protected. There is vulnerability in the abundance that we enjoy.

"Most of our modern problems are of overabundance, whereas they used to be of scarcity."

- Naval Ravikant

“Hard times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times.”

- G. Michael Hopf